By Michael Coyne
San Jose, CA - Jesus Christ, a surprise late entry to the Doom 3 competition at California Extreme this year, disappointed many fans and players.
"I don't know," said fellow fragger, Darren Nowakowski. "When he first showed up in that white robe with the long flowing hair, I thought he was going to turn out to be one of these FPS freaks. You know, they do the calm and meek act and then they kick your butt royally. But I pasted him all over the arena, like thirty times or something. And he was all, 'I forgive you.' Yeah, thanks dude, I was really cut up about wasting you. Everyone was getting in on the act. If you didn't bag at least one Jesus, you were nowhere."
"He sucks," noted Jamie Schweigert, another player in the tournament, who scored twenty "Jesuses" himself. "When I heard he was the son of some god or something, I figured he would be all, like, 'i @m yOrE g0d, i 0wN yoo', but he kept coming out with crap like 'I am the way, the truth and the life' or 'Feed my sheep.' So I go, 'Okay, pal, eat this.'"
Kurt Chapell was another player who scored well against the son of God. "He said something to me about how he was the Lamb of God. Well, it was a slaughter all right. Lamb guts everywhere. I figured he'd be all mad after being killed so many times, but he comes up after the match and forgives me, which I thought was cool."
Even the amateurs were getting in on the J-frags. Nelson Riesgo, a young player of 10, scored several hits. "I ran down this hallway and he was right there in front of me, and he was busy saying 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me', so I went right through him. Still didn't see the Father, whoever he is, but when he shows up, his ass is grass."
Any hard feelings on either side seemed to have been cleared up when the group headed out to eat, said Fred Coronel. "It was great. We went out to dinner, Jesus had just one of us order a meal, and then there was enough for everybody. Oh, and he told the server we were just going to drink water, and we were all, 'Oh man, that sucks', but when I picked up my Dasani, it was some awesome wine instead."
Jesus declined to comment on the results of the tournament, but sources reported spotting a white-robed and bearded figure at Best Buy later that day, buying a new laptop and a copy of Doom 3. When asked if he would return next year, Jesus intimated that he only "gets back here every couple of thousand years" but that a second coming shouldn't be ruled out.